Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize