11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
