i think my tv is drunk
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
