One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
