It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I want her autograph on my taint
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
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