didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
