I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
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