God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
