At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
