Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Banned from zoo.
Again?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Randomize
