It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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