The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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