if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
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