Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
ugly people sure do ruin things
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
