I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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