Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
