So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
