You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize