So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I just gargled with NyQuil
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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