Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
