I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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