I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
