i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize