Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
