Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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