Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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