If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
