I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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