Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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