Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
