It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize