I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
