I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
