im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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