woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
