I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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