But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
