I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
My breath smells like gin and sadness
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
