somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
