quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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