yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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