My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Come on in and take your pants off
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