tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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