guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
