lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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