We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
