my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
being pregnant is like rehab
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
