I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
