Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
