What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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