Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
