What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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