I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
