Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Randomize
