Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I CAN MOONWALK!
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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