a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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