Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
