i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize