fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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