Hey man sorry I got all grabby
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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