Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
