i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
