We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
