I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
