Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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