woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I am never drinking with the goths again.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
